2004-09-09 - 8:15 a.m.
blah. i just got rudely awoken by someone else's alarm clock. i'm in a lonely mood, having dreamt of a dreamscape that usually involves brandon(s) and their associatives and friends long past. a house that exists only in my mind. i miss having him around as a friend, a whole lot. i wish i could write him a letter, filled with a thought like this, to find out, just what the fuck is wrong with him. huh. i actually don't really miss him at all. i think he represents something in my mind that i wish i could be, but i'll never be, cause, no shit, i'm not him. but he caused turtle and shyla and many other unsavory fucked up stupid people to be involved in my life. i would be much happier without any of their contributions to my current state of mind. i never loved that bitch. fuck, i never even liked her. all i felt was bad for using her. which is a fucked up basis for anything. it's the nature of this place. she is the nature of this place, her sickness is everyone's sickness. this is such a lonely little place, a pretty town full of rotten people. everyone's just trying to escape without moving. i want to leave and find everything that i need to experience in life that i can't find here. which is a real life, and real people. goddamnit... gah. i used to know real people, but they all grew into wretched fucking weirdos. they all tried to fuck me over some way or another and i'm left with a fucking vacuum, wrought by their own mistakes. it's not my fucking fault. i know what's inside your head, and being the only one is dangerous. i have no way to really express this frustration, but, i have no choice. i have to do something about it. between the gutter and the stars, people are what people are.
i really don't know what else to say. maybe there's nothing.
