2004-04-29 - 9:30 a.m.
i am so hungover. i rarely get hungover. i'm usually left with a nice, peaceful glow until i smoke a bowl and go about my day. today, however, is different. i drank a huge amount of parrot's bay rum. and lots and lots of mescal. i can drink rum all day long with no ill effects, but that mescal fucked my shit up terribly. this is a hangover that makes you struggle to get through a cigarette without puking, kills the vocal chords and the lungs, and makes brainpower unsanitary.
i think i ruined all my chances with a real relationship with shyla, not by doing anything embarassing or regretable, but merely by being an obnoxious drunk. i took her affection for granted and now i think i've lost it. i wish i could still say i really don't care about her, but i do. but, in my incredible spinning stupor, i realized i'm an asshole unworthy of her love, or anyone else's for that matter. i took advantage of her in many ways and never gave anything back except a piece of my bad reputation. i know she knows this, and she knows i know this, yet we played our crazy game for months without any self conciousness at all. ah, but andrew had to move in around here, and draw all sorts of attention to our lack of a title, and her ex boyfriend came back and is trying to hook up with her again. he's much more deserving of her than i, (and he supplied the alchohol), and.. fuck. i have to go puke. but, yeah. i understand things a little better now. the irony of it sucks. i feel terrible in all sorts of ways.
but, this weekend, i'm taking a dive into lake patrick. so to speak. it's time for... Shroom 'Fest 04! it's been a little less than a year, and now it's time to submerge myself into the murky depths of my disease-ridden subconcious and try to piece together solutions to problems that won't even become apparent until i'm inside a whirlwind of me.
but, whatever. i still have to puke, i just keep choking it down. yum. bye.
